Loving someone else and giving of yourself does not negate you. We live in a selfish society that puts self-preservation over the needs of others. There is a reason that so many black women are single in their 40's! We are too busy trying to get the upper hand over men and not allow a man in close enough to love us. Yes we may be in long term relationships but that's just it. It's a long term relationship, that's not going anywhere! We put up walls and justify our actions by saying we're independent and don't need a man to validate us.
But maybe it's not validation he wants to give you, but something deeper...
The Black Woman's Rules to a healthy relationship:
Don't ever let a man know everything!
Never give a boyfriend the benefits of a husband!
Always keep one in the back pocket!
Don't let a man be up under you all the time, give him a chance to miss you!
We've all heard these sayings and some of us even live by them. But what do you really hope to accomplish by these rules. Let's examine them one by one.
Don't ever let a man know everything!
So basically, lie and be deceitful to your significant other. Often times this statement is related to money. As in, keep a separate bank account and a stash of money on the side just in case. But aren't most marriages in ruins over finances? I will say be practical. Yes it's okay to have separate accounts and separate retirement money. Especially if one person in the relationship is not so great with balancing a check book. But the only time you should be "hiding" money is if you are making plans to leave the relationship. I recently gave this advice to a young woman that is struggling in her marriage. She doesn't work and does not feel as if the marriage is salvageable due to his infidelity. I told her to find a means of stable income and start making a nest egg for herself. If he's sleeping with other women then there is no guarantee that he will not one day fail to return.
Never give a boyfriend the benefits of a husband!
So don't cook, clean, or take care of a man. Don't go out of your way to cherish him and show him how much you appreciate him. I've heard it all before, give him space, his hands aren't broken he can fix his own plate. Well if you don't give a man a preview of what is to come then what makes you think he will be falling over himself to marry you? Just like a man will probably not go see a movie without seeing the trailer, he's probably not going to marry a woman that has not shown him why he should marry her.
Always keep one in the back pocket!
This rule is just beyond ridiculous! How can you fully develop a lasting bond with the person you're with if you are too busy trying to keep someone else trailing along, just in case! And who wants a woman that has one eye on him and one eye on Tom in accounting? Not only are you not allowing yourself to fully concentrate on your relationship, you are also setting yourself up for failure. Don't think a man doesn't feel when you are not 100% committed to the relationship. In the long run you may find yourself alone with no one!
Don't let a man be up under you all the time, give him a chance to miss you!
A relationship, whether just dating or engaged or married should involve magnetism. Something should be drawing the two people together. It's not enough just to say, we're only dating but even if we were married, I'd want to live my life and he can live his. A marriage is a melding of two people. If you want to live separate lives you should have stayed single. You should be renewing your relationship daily and wanting the other person to feel wanted. Constantly rejecting your partner and asking for space in a committed relationship is a landslide to ruin. Everyone wants to feel wanted but why do you be in control and say, "Well I'll show you affection on MY time table, when I want to show it to you." This type of emotional mind control and childish games are one of the reasons so many black men are searching for their wives within other races!
That's where selfish indifference comes into play. If you are in a relationship and you are having separate vacations and you love nothing more than spending time without him then maybe this isn't the relationship for you. If you are in love with someone you should want to spend time together and share your daily life with that person. People often settle for the person that just happens to be present instead of waiting for the one that is meant to be. Just because you have ALWAYS been this way doesn't mean that this is the way it should be. Wanting space in a relationship is like wanting to be dry in the ocean. Telling a man that you don't need or want his constant affection will often lead him to finding it elsewhere.
Women often equate an affectionate man with the words clingy, stalker, or insecure. Maybe he isn't any of those things but rather a man that is simply more into you than you are to him. But don't worry, I'm sure someone else will solve that pesky problem for you.
My significant other and I go everywhere together. There isn't a time that we are apart other than work. We enjoy each other's company and we have had only one disagreement in the past year that we've been dating. We are completely compatible and I see now what a real relationship is. When you are in a loving and compatible relationship, you should want to share of your heart, mind, body, and time daily. It's not a sacrifice nor is it an obligation. We don't have separate lives because we are building a life together.
We will be married soon, he asked after only 9 months of dating. We've never been happier. The joy we have for each other radiates outward and can be seen by everyone around us. I'm not controlled, or confined. I give of myself completely and freely and he does the same. I will forever put him before myself because he does the same for me.
I really feel sorry for women that think being alone while being in a relationship is the way it should be. Maybe he's just given up on trying to get around your walls that you have vicariously placed in the way of your own happiness! So, yes, he gives you space, and he occupies his time with other things.
And yes, that's why you're single...
